Jun
8
The Mark Of The Beast
by Leslie
I was lying in the yard flying Lucy like an airplane when our cat Ruby approached.
Ruby was dumped off at our place last year. Initially we thought Ruby was a girl. Then he grew some testicles. We tried changing his name to something a little more masculine, but it was too late. Ruby was Ruby. And sometimes, Ruby The Boobie. Because Ruby is dumb. I think Ruby is also angry. There’s something about the way he keeps screwing other cats right on my front porch that makes me believe he’s got something to prove. He’s like, “Look at this! I’m ALL MALE, bitches! Check out my BOY PARTS, you stupid humans!”
Anyhoo.
I sat up when I saw Ruby coming and said, “Hey Ruby!” extending an arm to pet him. I don’t know, it must have been the last straw, like, “Call me Ruby one more time and see what happens,” because the little fucker PEED ON ME. He sprayed the right side of my body from hip to shoulder.
I.Was.Livid.
I started screaming. I scrambled to my feet. I ran at the cat. I wanted to scream nasty things at him, but the kids were watching. So, I just lunged at him and yelled, “YOU! ARE! NOT!!!! MY! FAVORITE!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I stormed into the house, tossed Lucy to Dave and went to the bathroom to scrub the pee off. You know what? When a cat pees on you, no matter how much or how hard you scrub, you never feel like you get it all off. Even two days later. It’s like being burned with acid. It’s demeaning as well as painful and it scars you for life.
Comments
8 Cool Kids Commented
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Ummm….maybe if you called him Rudy?
Do you know anyone who performs exorcisms on cats?
Ewww, yuck. Poor you, that’s really horrible. Ruby is a bad cat.
I wonder if he was “marking” you. Yikes.
That’s terribly funny! Or rather, terrible but funny.
Sounds like he was marking his territory…Eeeek
Me thinks ‘Ruby’ need to go to the vets to have his “boy parts” chopped off!
There’s an easy solution. Hack off those balls. No more pee spray and less little Ruby’s running around in the world too. Plus no more promiscuous action on your door step. Stick it to him and cut off those man bits!!! That’ll show him!
I just don’t like cats very much.
And you didn’t kick him? I mean, I know you aren’t SUPPOSED to kick the sweet little kitties, but sometimes? When they pee on you? They are just ASKING for it.
Bwahahaha!!
I had my bunghole awakened once… it wasn’t pretty.